I was having severe labour, again all in my back, but not dilating. I got to the point that I didn't care who checked whether I was or not, as long as they could help get this baby out.
After about 20 or so hours 'they' started to fuss around me a little more. I am then told, by I don't know who, that I am going to have to have a c-section as there is nothing happening and they want to protect the baby.
WTF! ! ! ! !
Nothing was discussed with me.
Nothing was explained to me.
Nobody said there might be a problem with the baby.
NOBODY asked me what I thought.
They started to wheel me there and suddenly things started to happen and they barely got me to the delivery room before she wanted OUT.
They whisked her away somewhere and I was left there with them doing what ever it is they do to you after you deliver a baby.
I did NOT get to see her.
I did NOT get to touch her.
I did NOT get to hold her.
They take me to my room, and my Mom is sitting with me when a doctor comes in and says: "She stopped breathing once, we don't know if there is any brain damage, we'll let you know" and he leaves. My Mom told me years later that she saw a mask fall over my face when he said that.
When they finally did bring her to me, I held her and felt nothing. I thought that it was just like what happened with my son. I thought a few hours will pass, I can cuddle her and nurse her and she will love me and I'll love her right back.
Except that she wouldn't nurse from me. So they supplemented her with a bottle. We kept trying to nurse, but she didn't seem to want to. Whether it was harder than a bottle I don't know, but I keep trying. I told the nurse about her not even wanting to drink from a bottle and the nurse took her in her arms and right away she would drink. The second day the pediatrician came in I asked him if he knows why she won't nurse. He says" you don't need to nurse. There are plenty of good formulas out there."
So they switch her to the bottle full time, and the 'not drinking while I'm holding her' gets worse. I am sad and confused. And also in a lot of pain, because now that the milk has come in, I am HURTING ! ! ! ! !
Its too late to have the shot to prevent it from happening, so I am stuck with compresses and ice. Yay. It comes time to go home and still I felt nothing.
I wanted to stay at the hospital.
I wanted to see my little boy.
I wanted to sleep.
I wanted to nurse.
I wanted to LOVE MY BABY!
* * * * *
Can you sense the frustration coming?
