Monday 9 September 2013

Wow, that took me some time to get back to this story didn't it.

To pick up where I left off, I was, to say the least, HURTING: mentally, physically, psychologically (although THAT would only be discovered over 25 years later).

I was having severe labour, again all in my back, but not dilating. I got to the point that I didn't care who checked whether I was or not, as long as they could help get this baby out.

After about 20 or so hours 'they' started to fuss around me a little more. I am then told, by I don't know who, that I am going to have to have a c-section as there is nothing happening and they want to protect the baby.

WTF! ! ! ! !

Nothing was discussed with me.
Nothing was explained to me.
Nobody said there might be a problem with the baby.
NOBODY asked me what I thought.

They started to wheel me there and suddenly things started to happen and they barely got me to the delivery room before she wanted OUT.


They whisked her away somewhere and I was left there with them doing what ever it is they do to you after you deliver a baby.

I did NOT get to see her.
I did NOT get to touch her.
I did NOT get to hold her.

They take me to my room, and my Mom is sitting with me when a doctor comes in and says: "She stopped breathing once, we don't know if there is any brain damage, we'll let you know" and he leaves. My Mom told me years later that she saw a mask fall over my face when he said that.

When they finally did bring her to me, I held her and felt nothing. I thought that it was just like what happened with my son. I thought a few hours will pass, I can cuddle her and nurse her and she will love me and I'll love her right back.

Except that she wouldn't nurse from me. So they supplemented her with a bottle. We kept trying to nurse, but she didn't seem to want to. Whether it was harder than a bottle I don't know, but I keep trying. I told the nurse about her not even wanting to drink from a bottle and the nurse took her in her arms and right away she would drink. The second day the pediatrician came in I asked him if he knows why she won't nurse. He says" you don't need to nurse. There are plenty of good formulas out there."

So they switch her to the bottle full time, and the 'not drinking while I'm holding her' gets worse. I am sad and confused. And also in a lot of pain, because now that the milk has come in, I am HURTING ! ! ! ! !

Its too late to have the shot to prevent it from happening, so I am stuck with compresses and ice. Yay. It comes time to go home and still I felt nothing.
I wanted to stay at the hospital.
I wanted to see my little boy.
I wanted to sleep.
I wanted to nurse.
I wanted to LOVE MY BABY!


* * * * * 

Can you sense the frustration coming?

Saturday 10 August 2013

This may explain why I'm who I am

On January 27th, 1974, I gave birth to a little baby boy. It was 10:30 at night and I remember crying once I was back in my room and 'recovering'. It had been a 28 hour labour and I was very tired.

They had shown me the baby in the delivery room and when the nurse came to check on me that night I was crying. She asked what the problem was and I explained that I didn't like the baby. I thought he was 'funny looking.'

The nurse told me I was tired and just wait until the morning. Well, I did, and when they brought that little boy to me, I was ecstatic!!!!

I was amazed, in love, smitten, thrilled, overjoyed, pleased, happy and in LOVE!

This little moving creature was mine. I made him (with some help of course). And he was meant to be my little boy.





* * * * *

During his first year of life, I had such fun with him. As he was turning one my then husband had a very bad car accident that laid him off work for several months and destroyed the brand new car. Around that time I discovered, even though on birth control, that I was pregnant again.

My late ex mother in law saw me and said, in a snotty sort of, looking down on me in a not very pleased, it was, my fault are you insane, sort of way and 'asked' me  "you're not pregnant AGAIN, are you?

*

Fast forward to July 17th, 1975. The doctor had decided that I would be induced for this baby, so I showed up pretty early in the morning with the phrase the doctor told me to use:  "I'm in labour," and with that I was taken to a room.

They hooked me up to something or other and I was 'off'.

Okay not really, because nothing happened ! ! ! ! !

So they increased the dose. In the meantime I find out the buzzer I have is not working and I have no idea where the husband is. I scream and I holler, but nobody answers. There are already enough people doing the same thing.

its now evening and my Mum arrived and sat with me for a while. Finally, 'he' shows up (he was downstairs watching the hockey game) and asks how I am doing.

So now I'm: hungry, angry, lost, hurting, scared, fed up and overall wondering why I started this in the first place. (Don't forget this happened while on birth control.)




Tuesday 6 August 2013

If you have a child, you should watch this and tell all you know, whatever age.

Don't be afraid to act on your intuition.

Wednesday 24 July 2013

You know how you start here and end up there??

Well, I was hanging around on YouTube and found this video. So heartbreaking yet uplifting.